No Tricks, Just Tools: Helping Kids Handle Worry
It's officially spooky season! Between haunted houses, scary movies, and a heat wave that keeps us at the beach in October… October is full of opportunities to feel a little frightened. But for many kids (and adults!), the things that scare us aren't always ghosts, goblins, or monsters hiding under the bed. Sometimes, they are the everyday "what ifs" that sneak into our brain.
What if I don't do well on my test? What if my friends don't want to play with me? What if something bad happens?
Whether we like to admit it or not, worry is a normal part of being human. We all experience it, and while it can be uncomfortable, worry is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it serves a pretty important purpose! Let us think together about the purpose of worry and how to move through worry rather than attempt to get rid of it.
So, What Exactly Is Worry?
Worry is our body's built-in alarm system. Its job is to keep us safe by alerting us to potential danger.
Imagine you're walking through the woods and suddenly spot a bear. Your brain sends out an alarm, telling your body to get ready to respond. Your heart starts racing, your muscles tense up, and you're ready to run. In this situation, that alarm system is doing exactly what it's supposed to do!
But here's the tricky part: our brains aren't always great at distinguishing between the immediate danger of a bear and perceived danger of an upcoming math test.
Sometimes, that same alarm goes off before a spelling test, when meeting someone new, or when trying something unfamiliar. There may not be any actual danger, but our bodies respond as though there is.
For kids, especially, these feelings can be confusing and overwhelming!
Worry Doesn't Always Look Like Worry
When we think about how worry may present in a child, it is not a one size fits all. You might notice your child:
Complaining of frequent stomachaches or headaches, especially before school or new activities
Becoming more irritable, frustrated, or easily upset
Having difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or wanting to sleep alone
Asking for repeated reassurance or frequently checking that things will be okay
Avoiding certain activities, situations, or experiences
Having a harder time separating from caregivers
Struggling with perfectionism or becoming upset when things don't go as planned
Sometimes what looks like defiance, frustration, or even a meltdown is actually a child communicating, "I'm overwhelmed, and I don't know what to do with this feeling."
Of course, not every stomachache or difficult bedtime is a sign of worry. However, when we begin to notice patterns, it can be helpful to get curious about what might be happening beneath the surface.
Okay, So What Can We Do?
As parents and caregivers, a natural instinct is to protect your children from discomfort. Feeling like you want to reassure them, fix the problem, and make the worry disappear is totally normal. And while this instinct comes from a place of love, sometimes efforts to eliminate worry can unintentionally make it stronger.
First, a brief pause to highlight when worry may be more than a passing feeling. If your child’s worry begins to interfere with their daily functioning, relationships, or ability to engage in age-appropriate activities and developmental milestones, it may be time to seek support from a mental health professional.
Here are a few ways we can help kids develop a healthier relationship with worry:
1. Validate the Feeling Without Feeding the Fear
When a child comes to you with a worry, start by acknowledging their experience. Rather than immediately saying, "There's nothing to worry about!" or "You're fine!" try something like:
"I can see that you're feeling really nervous about going to the birthday party. It can feel uncomfortable when we don't know what to expect."
Validation helps children feel seen and understood. It communicates that their feelings are real and that they don't have to navigate them alone. But here's an important distinction: We can validate the feeling without validating the fear.
For example, instead of saying, "You're right, maybe nobody will play with you," we can say, "I know you're worried about finding someone to play with. Let's think about what you could do if you feel a little unsure." The goal is to acknowledge the discomfort while communicating confidence in your child's ability to handle it.
2. Watch Out for the Avoidance Trap
Here's something interesting about worry: avoidance often works... but only in the short term.
Let's say your child is nervous about attending a birthday party because they don't know many of the other kids. They beg you not to make them go, and eventually, you agree. Immediately, they feel better. Phew! Crisis avoided. But what did their brain just learn? It learned that avoiding the party was what made them feel safe. This creates what we call the avoidance cycle: Worry → Avoidance → Temporary Relief → More Worry Next Time
The more we avoid the things that make us uncomfortable, the fewer opportunities we have to learn that we can actually handle them.
Now, this doesn't mean we should force children into overwhelming situations or ignore their distress. Instead, we want to help them approach challenges gradually, with support, encouragement, and realistic expectations.
3. Build the Brave Muscle
I often talk to kids about bravery as something we practice, just like building a muscle. I like to define bravery as doing something (within reason) even when our brain says “no thank you.” Think about learning to ride a bike. The first time, it probably felt wobbly, uncomfortable, and maybe even a little scary. But with practice, support, and a few bumps along the way, it became easier.
Every time a child tries something that makes them a little nervous, they have an opportunity to build confidence and learn, "Hey, that was hard, but I did it!” And the bonus is that they did it even with the worry! Bravery doesn't mean we aren't scared. Bravery means doing something even when we feel scared.
4.The Hopes and Worries Activity
Before a new experience, whether it's the first day of school, a sleepover, or trying a new food, ask these two questions:
"What's one thing you're worried about?"
"What's one thing you're hoping for?"
This helps children recognize that two things can be true at once. They can feel nervous about an experience while also feeling excited or hopeful. Once they've shared, resist the urge to immediately solve the worry. Instead, get curious. Ask, "What do you think might help if that happens?" or "What's something you could try?"
5. Model What It Looks Like to Handle Worry
Kids are always watching us, even when we don't realize it! One of the most powerful ways to teach children how to manage worry is to model it.
For example, you might say: "I'm feeling a little nervous about my big meeting tomorrow. I'm going to take a few deep breaths, prepare what I want to say, and remind myself that I can handle it."
This shows children that adults experience worry too, and more importantly, that worry is something we can move with.
The Takeaway: We Don't Need to Get Rid of Worry
If there's one thing I hope you take away from this, it's that the goal isn't to raise kids who never worry. It's to raise kids who trust themselves to handle worry when it shows up.
Worry is part of life. There will always be unfamiliar situations, unexpected challenges, and moments when things feel uncertain.
Rather than teaching children that they need to feel comfortable before they can do something, we want to help them understand that they can do hard things while feeling uncomfortable.
And who knows? Maybe this spooky season, the biggest lesson we can teach our kids is that not every alarm means there's a monster lurking around the corner. Sometimes, it's just our brain trying a little too hard to keep us safe. And that's something we can learn to work with!
Resources for Continued Exploration:
Comments