They're Watching: The Power of Parental Modeling
We’ve all heard the phrase “monkey see, monkey do.” And while we don’t recommend comparing kids to monkeys, there’s actually quite a bit of truth behind it!
Think about the last time your child repeated a phrase you use all the time, copied the way you reacted to something, or maybe even gave you a little glimpse of yourself that made you think, “Oh no… they got that from me.” Kids are constantly watching, listening, and learning from the adults around them even when we don’t realize it. So let’s think together about what modeling really means.
Of course, children are their own unique people and are not going to copy everything we do. But when they see the same behaviors over and over again, those behaviors can start to shape their understanding of what is normal, expected, and okay. This applies to both the things we hope they pick up from us…and the things we maybe wish they wouldn’t!
Emotional Regulation
Children are not born knowing how to manage frustration, anger, anxiety, or sadness. They learn what to do with these big feelings over time, often from watching the adults around them.
For example, when a parent feels overwhelmed but pauses, takes a breath, names what they’re feeling, and comes back to the problem, they are modeling emotional regulation in real time. Alternatively, if they regularly see stress met with yelling, shutting down, avoidance, or aggression, they may begin to understand these responses as the way we handle difficult emotions.
And we do not have to be perfect here, what matters is giving children opportunities to see that we can have big feelings, find ways to manage them, and come back to try again.
Healthy Coping Strategies
Your deep breath in the present, is your child’s deep breath in the future! Children learn how to cope by watching what adults do when things feel hard. Taking a break, talking about our feelings, going for a walk, practicing mindfulness, or asking for support are all opportunities to model healthy coping. When children see us experience difficult emotions and work through them, they learn that it’s okay to feel upset and that there are things we can do to help ourselves feel better!
Relationships
I don’t mean to get poetic here, but show your kiddo the relationships you want them to grow! Children watch how their parents interact with partners, family, friends, strangers, and with them. They notice how disagreements are handled, whether apologies are offered, boundaries are respected, and affection is expressed.
When children see adults communicate honestly, repair after conflict, and treat each other with compassion, they learn that relationships can include disagreement and still feel safe. Similarly, repeated patterns of yelling, avoidance, or unresolved conflict can become familiar and influence how children navigate their own relationships.
Social Skills
Similar to relationships, children also learn how to interact with others by watching us. Greeting others warmly, making conversation, expressing gratitude, and treating people with kindness all model social skills without needing a formal lesson. These everyday interactions can shape how children learn to communicate, connect, and approach others.
Boundaries
When you say no, children also learn that they can too! Children learn boundaries by watching how we set and respect them. When parents show that it’s okay to say no, ask for space, express discomfort, and respect someone else’s limits, children learn that boundaries are a normal and healthy part of relationships.
Self-Esteem & Body Image
Have you ever looked in the mirror and picked at your appearance? Said aloud “I’m so stupid” for a simple mistake? Now, what if your child said that to themselves...
Children listen to how the adults in their life talk about themselves. Repeated comments like, “I’m such a mess,” or “I’m such a bad mom/dad,” can model harsh self-judgment. In contrast, hearing a parent say, "I made a mistake, but mistakes happen," or "This is difficult, but I can learn," offers a more realistic framework for dealing with imperfection.
Children also notice how we talk about food and our bodies. Labeling foods as “good” or “bad,” criticizing our appearance, or expressing guilt after eating can send powerful messages, even when those comments aren’t directed at them. Speaking kindly about our bodies, enjoying food without judgment, and focusing on what our bodies can do can help model a more balanced relationship with food and body image.
Communication
Last, but not least, one of the most important tools to model is communication! Children learn how to communicate by watching how we express our feelings, needs, and disagreements. Listening, speaking respectfully, and working through conflict calmly models healthy communication. Similarly, frequent yelling, criticism, avoidance, or dismissing feelings can become patterns children carry into their own relationships.
And if there is one thing to remember, it’s that the best lessons are not always taught, they’re modeled.
HELPFUL RESOURCES
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